these are my words..screaming to get out..

darLIEing
searching for more than just the answer
believing more then just a kiss
you're heads filled up with bleeding wounder
while your soul hangs on the crucifix

i'll be here to search no further
your shadow lingers on the floor
a kiss of death, a silent whisper
body lifeless by the door

even with , every touch
your soul belongs to me
even with, every word
your soul belongs to me

my darling ,  you forget the debt you owe
dar-lie-ing you have seemed, to find yourself in some misfortune
my darling, you forget death is always slow

even with, every scream
your soul belongs to me
even with , every dream
your soul belongs to me

beggars cant be choosers
like the blind cant discover
but if seeing is believing
then we are all left to wounder

creeping torsos have the answer
limber limbs will find the cure
a kiss of death, a silent whisper
all i need, to inject the fear

tell me now, who's the cannibal
tell me now, who's to blame
your wish i had granted
your soul you signed away

a lovely suicide
trend
i am here to claim
there's no way for you to
win
when you play my game

even with , every fuck
your soul belongs to me
even with, every love
your soul belongs to me

my darling ,  you forget the debt you owe
dar-lie-ing you have seemed, to find yourself in some misfortune
my darling, you forget death is always slow

even with, every kiss
your soul belongs to me
even with , every lie
your soul belongs to me

fully compressed to the maximum decompostion.

your words fall onto me like the rain falls upon the earth.

i watch as they dance across the sky and through my mind.

twisting amongst my bones and through my blood.

i can taste the bitter-sweetness of your lies.

there is no denying it...the  truth is hiding in your eyes.

a walk with myself.

Current mood:  exhausted
Category: Travel and Places

maybe we shouldn't be out so late
the weather gets cold in these northern states
relate, to me what you think about this
if it wasn't for hell,heaven wouldn't exist.

Now, i've seen so many times
the lies, the cries of a heart when it dies.
but depending on how deep it goes
the truth, the pain ,nobody really ever knows
don't question me about these rules
when you're playing a game that was made for fools
you'll learn to use your head,Instead
of finding reasons to believe in me
while logic starts to construe
all the possiblities inside of you

ain't nothing ever tasted so sweet
when you find your lovin' and you feel so complete
finally,you realized what you might have missed
if it wasn't for hell,heaven wouldn't exist.

id like to sit here and relax a bit..guide my words only using my finger tips...my verbal embrace makes things so awkward
its hard to ignore , my mind is having a mental blizzard.
 let our bodies mold into the comfort of our being.dissolving our anger..there is no better feeling. lifeless and crippled there they appear.finnaly its over, and we won't shead another tear.
"is it true" she asked, you could see every ounce of hope glisten in her eyes, but hear every breath of sadness tremble past her lips.

"there are times when i look at my reflection.i see who i once was..what i could have been and what i'll never be. but there is never a who i am."

I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.
Category: Life

a chemical warfare is exploding inside my head
if only i could relase these toxins,
upon my annihilation
my vigilance had expired.
everything seems so spoiled, drenched in decay.
a double shot of rotten perception ,shaken..never stirred on the rocks of infamy.
i want so badly to shead this skin. peal away all the bullshit i consumed. nasty lil' scabs of treason.
but for now..i'd settle for a snickers ice cream bar. *hmph*

im okay with being crazy, at least for now..because i know no one can save me

restless thoughts have got me up again
there is no use lieing..or trying to pretend.
they've got me in a choke hold
their images screaming in my face.
my soul is sold
left to die...fighting to leave this place.

my shoes are always worn clothes are always dirty
i always take the path less traveled .
and they always say im crazy.

crazy for never knowing
crazy for not having a clue
crazy for not really caring?
or crazy for being two

so im okay with being crazy...at least for now
because i know no one can save me.
and i'll keep talking to myself and contiune to not make any sense at all
just me and myself ..untill another journey calls.
and the paths always seem longer and more overgrown than the last..
and i'll continue to walk these and never look back at my past.

im not broken..but you can still see the cracks

and you know i don't belong here

this is only a test
Current mood:holyshitimtiredwhthell

dont wrap my brain up in uncertinty
Things dont have to be so complex
Relax your thoughts upon your pillow
fall into your dreams

think about the things you  need
the things you want will come you'll see
untill things fail its all alright
between you and me

 

maxxed

restless eyes glazed over in a resin glow
fiery iridescent amber sparks
play against my bowl

downward spiral......

my thoughts lay lifeless
like a twisted torso upon the floor
my words spill like vomit
blending in to the bile and blood
making for the most exquisite stench of impurity
waiting for an exhale
i need release from the inside
but the toxins that i breath in
are what make me feel so right.
making my fears seem almost comical and daydream like.
like i could pick them out like pages in a coloring book.
smelling all the different colors. tasting all the different shades.
i could laugh for hours at my own inhibitions. only in a medicated mind.
organic mind♦ organic mind ♦organic mind ♦organic mindHerbal smiles

picking myself back up the pieces don't always fit
what may not make sense today
will be okay tomorrow
and what doesnt make sense tomorrow
will be okay today.


Curious
is this an intoxicating emotion? a wretched stench of infatuation?
concealed inside a vial chamber, impure thoughts, repulsive urges.
a sickness??
Does the fear out weigh the curious? a crooked wall of anxiety and awkward conduct.impervious to speech and a relaxed demeanor. a prisoner of my own emotions.waiting patiently for my self perseverance of release.

Honest smile or manipulating eyes?
mind fucking and overly controlling.

Back to Basics in Arkansas

alot has been goin on here and i should really take the time to get more organized and write alot more..its been MONTHS since i've posted anything. it doesn't surprise me. anyways a quick update about one of the main happenings in my life right now and how FREAKY & DEAD ON i think yahoo horoscopes really is.

i am a capricorn.

Quickie

It's time for a fashion tweak -- a small change here or there to keep things fresh. True i've been itching for a hair cut ...but...we've all seen how i've murdered my bangs..so im tryin to stear clear of any thing sharp and harmful. maybe i'll just stick to a new pair of jeans.

Overview

Your heartstrings are sometimes well protected, but for now, you're pretty much open to all comers. It's a really good time for you to volunteer or to otherwise make your altruistic side more organized.
 hmmmmmmm first part is correct..not sure what to make of the 2nd part.
*Altruism (pronounced: pronounced /ˈæltruːɪzəm/) is selfless concern for the welfare of others.

**Extended Overview**

Public displays of affection just aren't your style Occasionally, a tear or a grin you weren't expecting might slip by you, unnoticed -- by you, that is. The rest of the world pretends not to see, but they're amazed and astounded. The good news is that you're feeling so good right now that you don't care who sees. While you're at it, why not let it all out and get it over with?
ahh this one is a bit confusing but i do understand what its talking about. The beginning could be talking about or referring to the fact that i don't care about what other people think. and a bit of that im an odd ball so not much would surprise those closest to me. im a bit all over the place. so the fact that im dating a girl is really no big deal to me..even tho..no one has ever seen me "with" a female in that way or even heard me mention anything about it. it really feels 2nd nature to me. not foreign at all. but to all those around me. while not saying too much about the "situation" upfront i know they are a bit taken back and maybe even "amazed and astounded" ??? on the side lines..and the good news..is that I AM feeling soo good right now with her that i don't care who see's ...and while im at it..i guess this would be a good time to let my grandma know..that i have a girlfriend. =)

 

drifting hell

all i can think about lately is how much i want OUT of this town. and how much i want to move to NYC.
NOT sure what i'd do once i get there. and i know HAVING a plan is always best. but unfortunately my life doesn't work that way.

asking myself what i have to lose here at the time i want it most is pretty comical.

I have more going for me now that i ever have..
but at the same time..i just wanna leave.

this town is crawling with vultures / scavengers.

the things i have going for me require time..more time spent here in daytona beach. UGHHHHH

things that would take more time in NYC. and surving alone in NYC is hard enough..but i think if i can survive Daytona..i can survive anything.

i also find myself wanting to be alone. but im happy i have found a friend similar to myself..
Money does drive me and so does Success. Success to me is achieving MY goals. (not being a part of a fortune (sp?) 500 business. but who's to say this mind wouldn't create one?)

I want to own my own business. living off of my creativeness. so i am happy that Cousin Jen and i have found a bonding. something that both of us can share and also help each other out with.

no place really seems appetizing. each place i've been sorta has its own haunting memory.
realizing my reality is no reality at all. i have painted images in my head of places that seem worth residing. but settling down..is a bit unsettling . for some reason i have a hard time admitting im scared of commitment. feeling trapped. living my life for someone else..i almost feel as tho i do that..like im being forced to live a life path based off what the general populous pulls out of their ass. making getting a head a harder task than being 25 yrs old ,single, and NO kids. That in its self i am VERY proud of....and i admit..i really shouldn't be. and the fact that i am..scares me..
so ....as i was saying (?)

i REALLY need to get my shit together..and stop trying to survive..and start LIVING.

i guess what i am searching for ..is what place has the most to offer??  someone like me.

I need a place where i can be inspired..not ransacked or butcherd .
a place that has a "mix media" population/culture.
somewhere with a beach .
somewhere with mountains close by
a big city is a must.
art culture, music culture anything with a thriving culture...not a town living in the past..15 mins of fame and holding on to every last milisecond.

and those are just the prerequisite's.

but i also really really looove the art academy..and that..feels like home to me. a portal of creativity.

i am very..very confused...little girl.

Quickie

This is not a joke, even if it seems like one. Better take it seriously. well this should be interesting ..wonder what is gunna happen..

Overview

You need to deal with something totally new today -- preferably something you start yourself. It's a really good time for you to make sure that all your people are ready to act when you say go.
yeah i know..this must be later on in the evening a well..i plan on paiting..or making something..not sure..we will see.

 Overview

Even you will be surprised at how blunt, honest and open you are about a situation that would be tricky, at best, for most people. Now, if you're going to be surprised at yourself, you can just imagine how others will feel -- especially the ones who are already shakable. See what happens next. You decide you might be worth the effort, and suddenly your life begins to change. that is freaky..i am worth the effort to change my way of thinking..and i willl do it *abundance*


hmmmmmm

its a beautiful day out today..its nice warm and breezy..and its in the middle of JANUARY!!

Quickie

The ground is shifting. You wanted change, but be careful what you wish for.dear yahoo..you are REALLY freaking me out!

Overview

You are feeling much more comfortable with your regular routine than you are with odd, spontaneous moments -- but there are a few too many of them today! Strike a balance and have fun with it. true and i am!

Overview

The stars are all about seduction and lovers right now, especially for your sign. What a great combination! Better plan on using this astrological array to its fullest. That means no wasting time on groups of people, no matter how long you've had the plans made. Your place would be ideal. Keep your guest list short -- very short -- and let whoever you're with know that they're special. im pretty single...but maybe there is an interest...in someone..and true..there's been nothing but gobs of people at my house..sunday will be nice because it's gunna just be me and my brother and mattie..THATS IT! lol relaxinggggg

The nog was fun last night, LOTS OF BEER !! 50 cent PBR on thursdays YES PLEASE!!!! hahahaha soooooo drunk..it was me jen missy and her boy then scott and adrian came up and i seen lyric and her boy there and wags was there..actually alotta people i knew ..weird. ha.

01-21-10

Again leave it to yahoo to freak me out...

Quickie

Family, friends and career all demand your attention. Seek that rare thing: Balance. balance seems to be something i can only DREAM about!!! and yes..these are all things that are happening right now..as they do..each and everyday..but my days now are filling up FAST i've forgotten how busy i can get..that 2 month break well 3 month now.has really done a number on me...i really hope i can pull up outta this slump..but i believe i can..im in good company now =) finally.

Overview

Blow off that appointment today -- even if you aren't overbooked! Sometimes you need to just slow down and let the rest of the world catch up to you. Things should settle down really soon. i won't be blowing off my meeting with constance today.. =) or my friends for tonight..sorry yahoo...

 

Overview

It's been a difficult and troubling week, in many ways -- but when it comes to romance, oddly enough, that department seems to be operating independently -- and doing a darned fine job of it, too. Still, there is a stumbling block in the way, and you're aiming to move it out. A family member or dear friend -- someone who's usually quite helpful and supportive -- seems to be pushing against you. Check out all the facts before you go off. hmm true..i have been talking to someone..and oddly enough , it IS operating independently..its soo weird..but a VERY nice change!!!!  but what is this stumbling block..i think i may know..and i know who's pushing against me about this..and yes i SHOULD have checked out all the facts before assuming like i did and have.

crazy

this is going to be short cuz i dont have alot of time. and i really wanna post what all i've been doing this past two weeks and all but to start..im going to repeat myself again and say how fucking CRAZY yahoo horroscopes are..they are ALWAYS dead on..its some crazy ass shit.

Quickie

You're way more creative than anyone dreams. Tap into your artistic side.

Overview

You make just the right impression on just the right person -- and it shows! Your amazing interpersonal energy should help you overcome barriers and break through to almost anyone you want.

Overview

Sure has been a hectic weekend, hasn't it? Lots of work, lots of emotional matters coming up -- you name it, you've done it over the past few days. So aren't you due for some serious recreation time? You bet you are. It's time to forget you're a Capricorn, put all those household projects on the back burner and go all out to indulge yourself. Start work on this project tonight. With the stars feeling emotional and sensitive, a bubble bath, hot tub or massage is definitely in order. Don't forget the scented candles.

HAHAHA damn its sooo fuckin dead on..EVERY FUCKIN TIME!!!!

Oh what a tangled web we weave..when we practice to deceive

i dont know how to start this off. im not sure what i really want to write about.
i mean so much but where really to begin? last night i had quite a mix of a house full.
me, jesse,mattie,carole,aylah (caroles 3yr old) jen and her 2 dogs who are BIG lol.
still no job. i didnt think it was possible to hate daytona anymore but. its this whole world really.
im tired of responsibility. i dont know what the fuck i wanna do.
i used to wanna know everyone , now i find myself picking people off me like they are fleas.
i've allowed too many to become attached. or maybe its me. the other way around.

i dont konw, too many tell me i need to settle down. settle down for what? and better yet where?what is it im willing to dedicate my life too? what am i looking for? how do i get there? and why, why do i have to do it alone? alone..i want it to be this way, then again not.  depending on who's eyes you view the world from its different for everyone. -duh-

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
funny the words on this screen is the voice inside my head.
hahahahahahaaa. voice inside my head...life narrator....hah the one who listens , and you don't even have to speak.

your halo is slippin down..

The nights have began to blend in with the days...that is my que to i guess. slow it down. not that i have been doing MUCH. just everything around me is spiraling out of control. must i say people. and being in the mist of their spiraling winds causes me to loose my concentration.

the rope on my deadline is tuggin tighter around my neck each hour passing. yay..that close..

Had a great couple nights. Went to the After Party for the Art acadmeys casting call. Had a TON of fun! hung out with some friends i haven't seen in a while. and got more aquanaut with new ones.

Made up with an old friend. we will see where this will lead.
i miss michelle and hope she can make it to my birthday hang out.

maria stayed a week and is gone.

missy needs a place to stay.

carole is still here, so i have to wait.

not that im bitching , just simply stating. i do love my friends and if i can do something for them..obviously i do.

nothing from the job yet, still talking to will about things as well, we will see.
i need something.

paintings are at their final stages and being agravating. how funny is that , i love them and yet fight and argue with it..i wounder if anyone else fights and aruges with their art work as well..eh im sure of it.

my birthday is Wednesday not realy doing anything.
Thursday i have to be at the academy at noon for filming. not sure whats going on or what i will be filmed doing..but whatever. happy to be apart of it!

i have so much to do , and i know what i need to do. i've just been so out of it. and agravated, annoyed and aaaaaaahhh i cant.

but i must.

putting in at least 4 hrs of painting tonight. unfortunate i have to force myself. might be the weather. or all the ruckus. or both.

*apc - the noose
*apc - blue
*apc - the package

mel and i

Mel and her adorable boy friend Timmy

this happens sometimes..

me..paint duty....